Respuesta :
The opening line should state "I believe..." to show the reader that it is the personal opinion of the author that the Monday after Superbowl Sunday should be a national holiday.
The line "i always take off work that day because i stay up late and i'm too tired" should be deleted because it is a personal testimony that does not fit here. Personal testimonies sometimes work in persuasion, but in this case it does not flow with the rest of the paragraph and distracts from the piece as a whole.
For clarity, it would be helpful to use the phrase "in conclusion..."
Each of these three improvements would help the understanding and flow of the argument. Additionally, there are many grammatical errors, such as punctuation and capitalization, that, when fixed will help the style of the paragraph.
The line "i always take off work that day because i stay up late and i'm too tired" should be deleted because it is a personal testimony that does not fit here. Personal testimonies sometimes work in persuasion, but in this case it does not flow with the rest of the paragraph and distracts from the piece as a whole.
For clarity, it would be helpful to use the phrase "in conclusion..."
Each of these three improvements would help the understanding and flow of the argument. Additionally, there are many grammatical errors, such as punctuation and capitalization, that, when fixed will help the style of the paragraph.